Wednesday, February 5, 2014

A Blank White Page

I don't know if you ever get those moments, but sometimes I just feel the urge to write. I bring up my blog. Click "new post." But suddenly the multitude of voices in my head become silent. All I can see is a plain white page. All I can hear is the emptiness. All I think is...

blank...

white...

page.

It's strange, no? To go from "okay, I'll drop everything I'm doing right now and give into this urge to write" to "um..." in less than 30 seconds. And maybe it's not a big deal, but maybe it is? Generally when I feel the urge to write it's because I'm feeling a rush of emotions (generally overwhelmed, though sometimes just pensive or plain dark and broody like my inner Nick Miller would beckon). So it strikes me as odd that such emotions, which are like wild mustangs running wild, galloping through the country side, hair waving in the-- oh hmm, I seem to diverge, eh hem... Generally my emotions get the better of me for a few minutes and cause me to nearly drown Mr. Teddy with a my tears. And while I move on after a few minutes, it's frustrating that they take hold of me at all. So if they're nothing small then giving them time and attention to process whatever it is that is going on, should produce more thoughts, not silence, right?

I was thinking this, but then why when I bring up a blank page do I suddenly go silent? I think it's in part that what goes on inside my head is a bunch of negative stuff that when I shed daylight on, that is, give the voices time to think about and process, I suddenly realize that they're nay-sayers. Cheap throws at my happiness trying to ruin my unusually chipper personality. Like, maybe the fact that suddenly all that chatter goes silent speaks to that when we, er at least I, take the time to listen, I realize just how much such negative presence in my life really doesn't have a place. It breeds no goodness and I certainly don't grow from it. I already try to focus on the good in my life, and learned a lot from last summer, but still it's strange and difficult sometimes to deal with the annoying negative chatter I give myself sometimes.

Then again, maybe I'm just over thinking things. I tend to do that...

Well, I'm tired. Good night... whomever you are that reads this. Maybe you can help explain why sometimes I feel like I'm going insane and yet when I sit down to embrace it, it disappears faster than fresh baked cookies in my floor's kitchen.

Confusedly yours,
C