Saturday, March 29, 2014

Not Ready to Say "Goodbye"

Alas, this is not a post about graduation from MIT, nor the fact that I'm ending the career which I have grown accustomed to for the past 17 years (being a student). No, this is about something which I have not allowed myself to fully think about for as long as I can remember. This post, my dear reader, is about the my biggest hero, the man who has always been there for me, my co-namesake for Confirmation, and the role model I look for in a husband and father for my own family one day. This post, is for my beloved "Bro."

As I write this, I must remind myself not to post this for a few days, until I get word that my brother has successfully proposed to his lovely girlfriend of 6 years (they just flew to Iceland to see the Northern lights and he plans to pop the question on by a lake, I told him if he could command the lights to appear at the very moment, I'm pretty sure that's a guaranteed yes). [Edit: it was a volcano. I asked if she threw the ring in (LOTR ref), but alas they did not. ]

I have really struggled for years with the idea of my brother growing up, finding someone, and deciding to start a new life with this woman. I struggled because I acknowledge that to a large extent, in starting a new life, you leaving your old. And that is natural, right?-- to make a future with your spouse.  ("And they will become one flesh" Gen. 2:24 comes to mind.) But for a little sister, to watch and know that the one you have always been able to count on and always admired is now leaving, in a whole new sense of that word, to be happy with someone else, well... it's hard. It was hard to be purely happy in this moment (setting aside that I don't think anyone will ever be good enough for my brother, but that's just me being an overly protective little sister) because I know that this will mean I will probably see him less. I know my fear that I'd get forgotten about is unfounded, and as a senior graduating from MIT you'd think that'd be enough to silence it, but it's not. He now becomes theyThey will make a decision about where they live (regardless of the fact that I have it on my bucket list to live close enough to my brother's family to always be able to have Sunday meals together and go to the same church, hah!). I say this all, and I don't mean to sound bitter or needy or anything but acknowledging of the feelings I have. I think it's just me being an extremely attached little sister... one, who is going to miss that comforting big brother who has always been there for me, but now will have a new duty and responsibility, even though I know it's only natural and I deep down encourage that behavior-- as I too, will expect that devotion from someone one day.

And then I realized recently, I had thought this change meant that he would completely abandon his old life. You see, I think that when a couple marries, they put the other first before themselves in the true sense of love. Because of this, I thought that it meant my brother would always put her first and that our bro-sis dates would be done forever. And what is to happen to the tradition of our strange ways of delivering Christmas presents (often in the form of a treasure hunt)? Would I now have to give them plainly or worse yet, mail them to him? My worry of this was because I fully expect my brother to lie down his life and love for her, because he is one of the most genuine, dedicated, and honest people I know.

I was talking with my mother the other day and she mentioned how she was observing at Thanksgiving how my brother lit up when she would speak. Simply put: he was delighted in her. This man, who hasn't really had a great example of what marriage is, I have no doubt will be a fantastic husband. And perhaps that's part of my qualms is that I'm nervous about marriage in general. I plan to get married, certainly, but it still scares me shitless. In any case, something I've come to acknowledge is that there is a lot I can learn from her and my brother and their relationship, and soon to be, marriage. And most importantly, she is marrying into our family. Some people have no ties to their family, as such, they marry just one person. But, in this case, I think both sides will welcome the new addition (her parents are rather adorable, well, her mom is adorable, I'd describe her father as stately).

While I don't know her as well as I know my brother and sure, and there are things that bug me about her (there are things that bug me about my brother too!), I know how happy she makes my brother. I trust that my brother knows how her well enough that I can trust that she will guard his heart with care--not an easy thing for me to do. And in doing so, equally lie down her life and love for him.

I still had this sense of helplessness. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but like, my mamma could be a good mother-in-law to her, her parents could be good in-laws for my brother. But what about me? Then I realized: she has never gotten to know what it's like to have a little sister. She hasn't had the past 21 years of memories with a sibling that my brother has had with me. It struck me, this is my chance to show her what sibling love is like. This is how I can be helpful. I can welcome her whole heartedly into my life. I can forego my inhibitions about whether or not she's good enough for my brother and I can learn to trust-- in both of them-- and love. I can still deliver presents at Christmas in my own unusual way to my brother and now I can include her in the annoying brain teasers that will lead to her presents! I can look forward to the chance to treat her with the sisterly love she deserves (and I apologize if I've ever not done so! just me being a protective little brat probably, haha) and to what the future will bring us all.

With that, I am not ready to say goodbye to my brother, so, although my brother is entering a new chapter in his life,  I realize now that that entails so much more than a goodbye to how things used to be. I realize now what that really means-- a hello.

Hello, my dearest soon-to-be-sister. I've been praying for you, long before we ever met. Welcome to the family.

Much love and so many kisses to you both,

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

A Blank White Page

I don't know if you ever get those moments, but sometimes I just feel the urge to write. I bring up my blog. Click "new post." But suddenly the multitude of voices in my head become silent. All I can see is a plain white page. All I can hear is the emptiness. All I think is...




It's strange, no? To go from "okay, I'll drop everything I'm doing right now and give into this urge to write" to "um..." in less than 30 seconds. And maybe it's not a big deal, but maybe it is? Generally when I feel the urge to write it's because I'm feeling a rush of emotions (generally overwhelmed, though sometimes just pensive or plain dark and broody like my inner Nick Miller would beckon). So it strikes me as odd that such emotions, which are like wild mustangs running wild, galloping through the country side, hair waving in the-- oh hmm, I seem to diverge, eh hem... Generally my emotions get the better of me for a few minutes and cause me to nearly drown Mr. Teddy with a my tears. And while I move on after a few minutes, it's frustrating that they take hold of me at all. So if they're nothing small then giving them time and attention to process whatever it is that is going on, should produce more thoughts, not silence, right?

I was thinking this, but then why when I bring up a blank page do I suddenly go silent? I think it's in part that what goes on inside my head is a bunch of negative stuff that when I shed daylight on, that is, give the voices time to think about and process, I suddenly realize that they're nay-sayers. Cheap throws at my happiness trying to ruin my unusually chipper personality. Like, maybe the fact that suddenly all that chatter goes silent speaks to that when we, er at least I, take the time to listen, I realize just how much such negative presence in my life really doesn't have a place. It breeds no goodness and I certainly don't grow from it. I already try to focus on the good in my life, and learned a lot from last summer, but still it's strange and difficult sometimes to deal with the annoying negative chatter I give myself sometimes.

Then again, maybe I'm just over thinking things. I tend to do that...

Well, I'm tired. Good night... whomever you are that reads this. Maybe you can help explain why sometimes I feel like I'm going insane and yet when I sit down to embrace it, it disappears faster than fresh baked cookies in my floor's kitchen.

Confusedly yours,

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Desperate or forward?

So I'm not really sure where this post is going, I guess part of me just feels like writing (I blame Pandora-- the "Almost Lover" playlist always stirs the Calliope within), and part of me wants to let out onto paper the many voices within my head.

But where to begin?


I guess I'll talk briefly about one of the greatest, if not the greatest, struggles I have with dating/meeting people and a problem that recently I found out many of my girlfriends struggle with. Please feel free to comment with your insight, I know that some of my girlfriends would greatly appreciate hearing especially from my MIT guy friends out there! :)

So what it is? What is this great mystery that baffles me so? A simple question--a riddle, if you will (celebrity jeopardy SNL anyone?):

What's the difference between desperate and forward?

In general, when I see something that I want-- be it a dress, a goal, or someone's attention-- I don't sit back and wait for it to happen to come my way. But when it comes to males of potential romantic interest, suddenly I second guess myself. I hear voices inside my head saying that I should be coy, "you really ought to let him work for it." Well, first of all, I'm not some commodity, so when instructed that he should learn to work for "it" I am less than pleased with the demotion of any human being's presence to that amorphous pronoun. Secondly, it's against my personality to be coy or demur-- on the whole*. I mean, I do get shy and sometimes quiet when around stupidly gorgeous men (reminds me of this time I was walking on the beach in Viareggio, Italia, and saw I think what was the last remaining Greek god in male form, but I can't be certain. I only looked upon his face for but a second before his glory forced my glance to find peace elsewhere.). But in general, I extend my hand. I introduce myself. And I sure as heck can't stand to wait around while guys twiddle their thumbs and muster the courage to look up at me. So to what extent do I deny my true personality and remain silent?

On the flip side, I don't want to seem desperate. I will admit that I have had a problem in the past with expending unmatched energy and devotion, with friends and former lovers, and I don't want to repeat that habit. I spent the last 1.5 years learning to be content on my own, and while I still struggle with it from time to time, I have definitely come to need my "me" time-- an important step in lessening my chances of doing things that might seem desperate, I think. However, I still fear that I am perceived as desperate just given my bubbly personality. Like, how much is too much when it comes to interactions with potential/current love interests? I know that some of my male friends probably rolled their eyes at the previous statements about having the man "earn" the female's attention, and while I think that's maybe a bit of an exaggerated way of stating, I think there is some nugget of useful information in there. Right? I've been told by guy friends that an independent woman is attractive, but what exactly does that mean? 

Ultimately, I think that both parties need to exert an energy and effort to make it a healthy relationship. But what does that entail for early courtship? Or for that matter, getting someone's number? An active effort to make each person feel special, NOT an active effort to make sure that the other person has feelings for you, is a subtle difference but one worth noting I think.

Alas, I am le sleepy.

Thanks for reading,

*My chipperness and outgoing personality in a way is being coy. Like, it's a way to prevent people from actually getting to know me, so in a different way than most people may realize, I am actually quite reserved. I speak my mind when asked, but often I speak in riddles (I blame New Girl) and it takes time to understand how I say things. But yeah, I'm generally not the silent type. (This has been pointed out to me, and I've observed people as they interact with me.)