Saturday, November 9, 2013

two faces

Randomly found this draft and decided to post it. I think it was written sometime last fall of 2012...

So today is Saturday and I have a final on Tuesday morning. I'm not terribly prepared for it, but for some reason, I'm not crazy stressed out? I don't know, I guess, I've just had a lot on my mind lately. Namely, this concept of two faces.

I'm not really sure what I mean by it, to be honest. It's just been two words I've been mulling over. Like, there's one face that most everyone sees, and then there's another face, that which I don't know really anyone else knows. I thought someone last year might have, but no one now. I think.

I could be wrong.

But maybe not.

Recently there was a post by a blogger here at MIT and it went viral. Everyone was talking about how brave she was, and she is, don't get me wrong, to write such a raw piece about what life is like here. [Funny enough, I now have the honor of knowing the author of the post to which I'm referring and she's amazing. What a pleasure it is to have gotten to present with her to the freshmen this past orientation.] At times beautiful. Other times abismal. Like migraines. Migraines are abismal to me. Incapable of being escaped. And like migraines, the only thing you feel after a bad day here is exhausted and scared of the next one. Sure, you appreciate the better times, but you're oh-so-aware of just how dark things can get.

So how does this relate to two faces? Well, I've always tried to be open from day 1 here, when I'm struggling, and people ask how I'm doing, I let them know. But for the most part I don't think people realize how I feel. I don't mean to be preppy or stuck up, but I would say I know a good amount of people and/or know me. I don't know, I just... befriend strangers. I like getting to know people. People. They're my hobby. My interest, my... "piano" if you will... some people play the piano, can sing really well, rock their exams, build robots, something-- I like people. Maybe this is me living a complacent life. I guess that's my biggest struggle right now, I feel like I don't have a refined skill-- I don't have my piano.

Anyway, back to my point about two faces. A lot of people know me, or at least, know the public me. I try my best to be pretty genuine, so the public me for the most part is a good representation of who I really am. But there is a lot to be said for being the "life of the party" as a means of staying reserved and  private. Like, sometimes there is a room full of people, friends and new acquaintances, and I just really don't want to go in. I start hating the idea of walking in for some reason, then start getting frustrated with myself about not wanting to walk in, and then get even more upset that I am getting upset at myself getting upset furthering myself in a downward spiral into this funk. They don't happen often, but they happen, and I would bet many of my friends would never have guessed I experienced said moments of panic about social interactions. Again, sides to me that no one knows about.

And like health and family background and stuff. I've had to deal with a lot of crap in my life but I make a point of not talking about it not as source of embarrassment (like, sure, I'm not proud of my father, but that's not the main reason I don't talk about him. likewise being diagnosed with AS or anything else of the plethora of health issues). It's more me being stubborn actually. I don't like to let people know about the things which would probably provoke pity because I don't want their pity. I think at the end of the day, we all want respect. And if someone gives me a hard time I don't want them to stop for any other reason than realizing that I deserve their respect-- not pity.

It just ended abruptly, but figured I'd post it anyway...