Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Day 3&4: Confidence & Humility

Well, sadly folks, I didn't end up gong to Maine yesterday. I'm at bro's apt with a stuffy nose and plumb exhausted. I figure I'll wait until August when I return and am not slightly under the weather. I did however manage to clean bro's kitchen (dishes, swept, mopped, etc.) and vacuum the living room/bedroom. Surprisingly therapeutic. :)

Anyway, today's post shall be short, lucky you! (And a joint effort of yesterday's...)

While cleaning the kitchen I listened to a playlist of One Direction for like 5 hours straight (oh goodness, I do not want to hear them for a long time). Of course, their like 6 songs really all sound like variations of the same song, so I sort of zoned them out. However, one line really bothered me (though not enough to rinse the suds off my hands to change the station) from their song "What Makes You Beautiful." It reads:

You don't know you're beautiful,
Oh oh,
That's what makes you beautiful.

I'm sorry? Come again? Let's put aside that I'm overanalyzing a song written by a bunch of boys in their late teens, hah... I'm going to hope that what they're referring to is that this girl is beautiful and it's her humility about her physical appearances that make her even more attractive and NOT that it's her lack of self-esteem about her physical appearances that adds to her allure. (Another post for another day is how jaded I fear I have become, you guys might laugh, but seriously!)

I mean, I get the sentiment that I think they're trying to get at, that is, females often are so harsh on themselves (it's shocking to hear to what extent we degrade our own looks/attractiveness) that it's surprising to hear when on the outside, others' would view us as very attractive. But that's just it, what we see in ourselves needs to be what we seek approval of, not others' opinions. I'm certainly as much to blame for the self-hating perpetuation but I hope to change that. I'm told that confidence is an attractive trait in women, from men's perspective, but it's a spectrum, right? Like, no one thinks an overly confident person, one who is "all up in your business" waving fingers and metaphorically-literally blinding you with sparkles, is attractive. Well, some do, but addressing the vast majority of "healthy" individuals capable of "healthy" relationships (quotes because that too needs to be defined but I lack the mental capacity to get into semantics...)-- there is a happy medium between humility and confidence. I find that line a very hard one to walk. Furthermore, I find that it's hard to genuinely be confident and once one becomes as such, how to not come across as arrogant. I think this is especially hard when one has spent so long not thinking fondly of oneself. (Not sure why I'm talking in the third person, but I'll roll with it...) For instance, I had a suite-mate last year who seemingly genuinely thought she was hot stuff. And why shouldn't she? She was cute, smart, spunky... What bothered me sometimes was the way she brought about her confidence, it was like, she was saying things to try to convince not just others around her, but also herself. At times I envied her sense of self-assurance, but then I realized that maybe she wasn't all too confident in herself after all. It's not like I get happy at the thought of doubting one's appearances/attractiveness (note: the two are not the same, another blog post in the making), not at all. I just... I find it really hard to value myself as a whole package, awesome deal, and to do so without seeming arrogant. I want confidence and humility.

Is that possible?

Well, I'm off because I've spent too long in PJs today and have some errands to run. This topic is far from done, but I figured I'd jot down the thoughts I had on the subject while I remembered them

As always, thanks for reading!

Much love,
Chacha