Saturday, August 4, 2012

Where to begin...

[First, I'd like to explain my absence for the past several months. I'll have you know that I very much desired to blog. In fact, often I had the hankering to do so! But for some reason, on my previous blog site,, it wouldn't let me see what I was typing as I was creating the post... clearly, that didn't foster a happy Chacha willing and able to update her blog. Ah well, alas, now I'm using and things are much better! :)

Second, I'll write another post updating about school in another post, but as for now, I don't know, just don't really feel like writing about that. Instead, I propose to pose a question I thought of today/have been mulling over for several weeks. 

A little background, before I pop the question: Don't really read too much into the question. Sure, I am dating someone right now*, but that's not really so much the reason for it. I have been thinking a lot lately (I'm going to come back to this point after the section of this post about the question/maybe just generate another post for that topic) and sort of, just, inventing questions and posing them to myself. Often, I'm left without an answer which makes me think that a) I'd be a really good/bad test maker, b) I'm asking questions so boring I don't really want to take the time to ponder all too deeply, c) I'm asking questions so thought provoking and perhaps frightening that I *choose* to not produce an answer, or d) all of the above/I'm once again over thinking and my sleep dep is getting the better of me. So what's all this hype about? Okay, okay, here it is:

Do you believe that there is someone who love you exactly as you are? When I say exactly, I mean precisely as you are.

Before I speculate my thoughts (yes, speculate my own thoughts, as I'm not really even sure about them myself) I will suggest that I think there are really only three answers.

1) Yes, of course!

2) Yes, but... proceed to describe how really you mean no, but not quite as pessimistically as that may sound, like, you are happy about the prospect of someone shaping you, if you will... or at least, there's some further caveat you explain

c) 3) (yes, I did just try to be silly, but alas, the Monk in me couldn't handle it. I need to be consistent thus numeric) No. There is no one that will love me just as I am. I will either need to settle or change to be with someone. perhaps you elaborate more about the topic

I'm torn between 2 and 3. I used to be a firm believer of 1, but not really any longer, and honestly, I'm actually okay with that. I think the idea of someone who doesn't challenge me to grow to be a better person is far more dangerous than someone who blatantly undervalues you. To the latter, I would say something rather rude in Italian and bite my thumb at them, or at least, I would hope I would do so. Eventually I'd end up doing that. Heh... But to the former, I think eventually I would just become disappointed with myself and wonder how I ended up with whatever habit I didn't like or ended up at whatever place in my life that I really didn't want to be in. I guess, not to be too dramatic but to be really dramatic, it all boils down to being "tepid." If you're going to be a tepid lover/friend/parent/sibling, I really don't know what you're contributing to the lives around you. My uncle/Godfather once said that "as a parent, we can either be examples or warnings, the choice is up to our kids." I believe that applies to everyone and with all relationships. I am hesitant to say "strong" words like "everyone" and "always" and "all" but, damnit, I need to learn to find a footing and stand my ground. We mustn't strive to please everyone but rather remember that, in the end, we must only answer to ourselves and our Maker.]

Now, this might all seem fine and dandy, and perhaps you find yourself saying "but of course! Chacha! How could you believe that 1) ever made sense?!" or perhaps you're like most little girls are told and firmly believe in 1) and to that you say "tisk tisk. it's so sad that you don't think 1) exists anymore!" Considering the crowd that will be reading my blog, I will assume that it is highly likely that y'all are going to fall into the former category.

Okay, that assumption made, the question still stands: Why did I think 1) before, at all?

One word: princess.

Every little girl is reared (assuming a loving home, there are certainly very sad situations where this isn't the case) to believe that she's what? A princess. Whether it be a term of endearment a father dotes on his little girl with, as in my case, or it be that she watch *any* Disney kids' movie, most little girls are reared to think they're a princess and should *always* think that. Think I'm kidding? Here's a short list: Snow White (1938), Cinderella (1950), Sleeping Beauty (1959), The Little Mermaid (1989), Beauty and the Beast (1991), Aladdin (1992)... What does this mean? A not well defined list of qualities and behaviors every little girl should not only expect, but feel like she's settling if she finds anything missing from that list, in her future potential love interest. Maybe I sound too harsh, and I really don't mean to because it is certainly extremely important to know that one is worth being loved for who they are, but hear me out. If no one meant to set up these unattainable goals or standards for we females as little girls, then why is it sensationalized in Disney movies and modern day chick flicks that Mr. Right is approximately 6' tall, muscular, tan, smart, and financially well off? Oh yeah, and he can speak a romance language, cook, and dance. I mean, I feel like guys are slightly screwed here, but alas, that is a different story for another day (society's "perfect people" concept).

If you say, "no, no, no. Of course there is no need for him to be all of those things," then that means to some extent those little girls grow up with an unrealistic goals (or maybe this is just me? I have a hard time believing I'm the only one that thinks this though) and must, however "justly" or "obviously" so, change what they're expecting. My next big question then is, at what point is one "making changes" versus "settling"? I feel like settling will lead to unhappiness and resentment, but change could be for the better. I'm just not sure how to be so certain that you're not settling and rather participating in healthy change while dealing with whomever in whatever relationship you're dealing with (be it professional, romantic, friendly, familial, etc.). I recall a really thought provoking and insightful conversation I once had with one of my closest friends and he said that I need to decide what are my "negotiables" and "non-negotiables," that is, things I am willing to budge on and things I am not willing to budge on. Cool. That's all fine and dandy except when you're in college and Lord knows what you think about topics and where you stand on issues! My friend, in his infinite wisdom, said to "dig deeper, dig until you hit that bedrock, Chacha. What about homicide? Bestiality? I'm pretty sure you know where you stand on those topics." And sure, I do know where I stand on those topics, but other topics? I'm not so sure. I mean, if I changed my expectations (read: lowered standards) to being okay with dating anyone who wasn't okay with homicide and bestiality, I'd've only eliminated like 1% of the population (13% if you're in Arkansas... burn! Jk, I've got nothing against AR, in fact, they produced one of the hardest working president we've had in a long time, Bill Clinton with only 28 days of vacation while in office!). Up until recently myself and many of my peers have based our beliefs on what our parents have believed (either, again, being akin or being opposite to what they believe). For the first time we're supposed to find out who we are and what we believe-- what we believe. What if I don't know where I stand on a lot of issues? How am I to know who to look for and what to be happy with? If I don't know what I really want, how do I know when I'm unhappy if it's justly founded unhappiness or just, a reaction to a habitual stance I've developed on whatever the subject be, simply because of my upbringing. Maybe this only proves that for me, right now, I'm not ready for a relationship so intimate (not meant in the commonly thought of way to mean sexual, just in it's truest definition, that is, extremely close) where these things really matter. And maybe that means that I need to first better discover who I am, in order to know who I want to be and with whom I want to try to achieve that goal. And again, I know that this isn't a "quick fix" or something that one will just discover over the course a month, semester, year, but at what point have I "found myself" enough to be able to be in a relationship? Or really, just be happy with myself? Ultimately, maybe this means, I need to live a solitary life... at least for a little while.

But that then leads to a perhaps bigger issue: I desire companionship. It's not that I don't think one can truly "find oneself" while being in a relationship or being around lots of friends, but I do think it requires much solitary thinking. Meh, I could get really into this topic of loneliness vs alone and companionship vs settling for company, but I'm trying to keep my posts fairly subject focused. This one's being the concept of someone loving you exactly as you are and what that entails for settling, etc. Rest assured, I will write another post about the unfairness of "perfect people" and another about companionship, but seeing as this is now day four that I've been trying to finish this post, I will end here.

And again, maybe this is just me sleep deprived and over-thinking.

I don't know... just my thoughts...

Be well,

*Interestingly enough, I am no longer dating someone. I wrote up until the end bracket still in a relationship before my ex-boyfriend ended things. So I suppose this article really does speak to my thoughts, and not the presence or absence of a "significant other" in my life.