Friday, December 30, 2011

ever have those days/moments... /end of semester summary

semester summary:


had a super stressful ending right there at the end. since this blog acts as a diary for me/record of my life but yet is also public, i shall mention why it was so stressful but remain *extremely* anonymous. My closest friend here at MIT told me two weeks before finals that he/she had thought about killing him/herself. No need to worry, my friend has sought the appropriate help and isn't in danger of hurting him/herself. It was just very stressful and tiring for a little while. I hope I made it clear that I'll be there for this friend in the coming weeks/months of getting his/her life back together, but it's surprising how tiring it is to be an emtional support. So like, while I was freaking about my friend, I couldn't/didn't really go to anyone of my friends here at MIT because I wanted to make sure anonymity was maintained. Don't worry, I talked to my dean at S^3 and my counselor at Mental Health. I got things all squared away with me, but still, it was a new and frightening experience for my life. I'm extremely grateful for it, because it gives me new insight to it that I never had before. Also, I'm extremely grateful that this friend came to me. I don't mean to sound mean when I say it's tiring to be emotionally someone, someone else can lean on; it's just a simple fact. anyways, i wasn't motivated to focus on school, and that certainly didn't help, but I managed to finish "strong-ish" and pass my classes, which is all i can ask for at MIT sometimes...heh.


ever have those days/moments...where you're just kind of in a crappy mood? they're pretty sucky. not exactly sure why you feel unhappy/frustrated but you just kind of inexplicably are? grumble. and then I feel like the more you realize you don't really know what's going on, the more you're upset that's the case. and people kind of easily piss you off? hah, i'm not particularly upset at the moment, but i was thinking about how i'm having a mini-one of those days and how in the past it's been worse. any advice on how to minimize the damage? obviously I try to not talk *too* much lest i say something i'll later regret, but still, a method to best avoid or if others have speculations as to why they occur, i'd be all ears.


well, it's a short post, but i'm super sleepy. will make anotehr one soon with more thoughts I have. chirstmas was great. mom flew out and it's been *awesome* having her back her. I really cherish our growing sense of friendship, less parental, more mentor/friend based. good times. went down to see my uncle bill and aunt kathy and cousins. that was fun. i super love my uncle bill, he's hilarious. then went down to yuki and have my mom meet his mum. that was super adorable and one for the "memory books" as nancy always says. :) well, i'm gonna go now. take care everyone! and remember: you are loved! :)


--jnd

Friday, October 28, 2011

why not?

i'm not sure why, but I have the desire to blog. so, this very well may be the most random blog post yet as I don't really have any clue where it'll go.

last night we had our fist snow here in boston! it was AWESOME! I was washing dishes, looked outside and saw that the rain was falling really slowly, and then realized that it was SNOW!! AHH!! SO MUCH GOODNESS!! I stopped doing the dishes and started running around yelling "IT'S SNOWING! EVERYBODY! IT'S SNOWINGGGG!!!" and only the adorable little freshman, Eun, from next door came out to see. She was pretty stoked, but nearly as stoked as I was. for real. I then called Yuki who was probably more amused by my own yelling about the snow then the snow itself. I gchatted bro in all caps and he was also amused, but not nearly as amused as me. Sometimes I feel like a little kid. Let's be honest, I basically am *always* a little kid. heh.

which reminds, today in physics, I came in and I was going off about something rather, OH, i told my TA he looked ready to rob a store (he was wearing a beanie, c'mon, a dead give away for robbers), aNyWAY, my tablemate was like "chacha, you're crazy. you're *always* freaking crazy and amusing" or something like that. and i got to thinking, i really am. like, i really have such a lowered threshold for "embarrassment" and "reservedness" than most, I'm not exactly sure why. but like, all in good humor, right? like, I'm not about to go get drunk and start, whatchamacallit, "spring break"-ing it because that's just dumb, right? that's flashing someone? idk, kind of basing that off of my knowledge from Arrested Development. speaking of which. THERE'S A NEW SEASON?! SAYYY WHATT??? I need to brush up on all the other seasons. and then after this next season there's a movie?! SWEET! oh right, but back to my main point: i am crazy enough to hop across the zebra crossings (that's what they call crosswalks in south africa and i guess elsewhere? SO GOOD) by landing only on the white lines. just ask my friends here. or dalking, i do that a lot (dancing while walking...i think i ranted about this already in a previous blog???). but i mean, you're just sitting in the car at a stop light, don't lie, you totally watch the people crossing, right?! I figure, I'm always up for being entertained, and if I saw someone slo-mo running across, or hopping on the white lines, or dancing (all of which I do) my day would be just that much brighter. So:

why not?

A simple question, eh? I pose this to myself nearly everyday.

As soon as I start to do something and find myself feeling awkward I immediately re-evaluate the situation and ask "why am I not going to do this? is it because it's genuinely not appropriate or is it because of societal standards placed that deem it 'un-cool'?" If it's the former, I continue to stop. If it's the latter, I force myself to get past it and carry on. Oh, I think this post is a lot like the previous one I just made. Hmm....oh well. y'all can stop reading now if you want. i'm just enjoying myself, hahaha....at the end of the day though, isn't that what's most important? In the wise words of bro, "it's important to be able to be alone and not be lonely". Well put bro, well put. I think that's what is making the difference this year. I am alone right now, in my room, and i'm fine. i was doing some chinese earlier (should be doing more of that, instead of this, seeing as I have an exam on monday, but ah well, cravings to write are rare and I was hoping to update this once a week) and now i'm blogging. all is well.

ah hooligans. i just saw a group of four young men cross Mem. drive and then go to the river. I think i saw a ligher. idk. see, that's, that is dumb. idk, there i go making blatant judgements and not knowing what's fully going on. but you know what, at the moment, I'm in a "getoffamylawn" mood. so sue me. :P damn, i'll make a fine old person one day, yup yup, chiper and spunky and judging as all get out. :P also, i'm not gonna lie, i'm pretty stoked to have my own place so i can get kittens!! SOOOO MANY KITTIES!!

so i forgot i was writing a blog post...heh. short attention span. i just made a delicious cinnamon, peach, and plum chutney/sauce. not sure what i'll do with it, but making fruit sauces is like my favorite thing in the world. SOOOO EASY. anyway, they were *super* ripe so I had to do something with them.

yup yup, now i'm not done with the writing mood and into studying chinese. i'll talk to y'all later! love you! (whoever it is i'm speaking to...never really sure who reads this. i know bro has it marked in his google reading...)

-jnd

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

"loose" vs. "lose"

Random thought for the day:

Why do we pronounce "lose" like we do when we pronounce "choose" like we do... this is really bothering me. Heh. I feel like we should also have "meese" the plural of "moose" and "shoop" the singular of "sheep"....

then again, i'm a rebel.

okay, i need to go study for my 2.001 (mechE) exam tomorrow and I just finished my 8.02 exam. partial credit is my best friend. haha...i was totally rocking out to my music and jamming on the air drums before the exam and my friends and TA were like "you're crazy".... hah, tell me something I don't know!

But seriously, it's my thing now, i don't just "walk" somewhere, I bob and dance and skip... I figure, i like to do so when I'm listening to music *anyway* might as well do so and then give others the liberty to be themselves! This quote has really been jiving with me lately:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

I'm tired of feeling inadequate, ergo, I'm going to stop. I'm going to think that I have something to offer, even if, it's just a smile and a crazy girl dancing down the hallway. Something good is bound to come from that, right? :)

Ta ta the loves of my life! <3

-jnd

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

On the trials/joys of punting...

Punting

Verb

Definition: The act wherein an individual who has known engagements of greater importance and/or is hosed (heavily laden with time sensitive commitments) knowingly and purposefully engages in other activities in an effort to ignore/be ignorantly blissful about said engagements until a later date.

Example: As I write this, I am punting.

Wow, that whole schpeel took WAY too long. Ah well, yay stubbornness. Heh, wow, spelled that correctly on my first shot! Chacha: +1. Anyway, so I don't want to/have a lot of time to write. In fact, I have none. But I've really wanted to catch y'all up on what's going on in my life (for those of you who follow...mom. God bless ya, I must seem like a perpetually depressed person what with my posts always being about tribulations, though however positive I try to be.). So I think I'll try to make weekly updates that are just shorter. Like, a paragraph or two about my life, nothing that will take more than 15 minutes to type up. I think that'd be more useful and helpful for future journal usage. I should keep an actual journal, right now I just have random notes to God venting about things that aren't always chipper and good to dwell on, hmm... documentation of my life would be nice. What sparked this idea, you might ask? Well, I've been meaning to for a while, but today someone dear to me wrote me a note and left it as a surprise for me. In this note, it was stated that " People are too connect, all the time... It makes things much more immediate, 'easier,' but it also detaches us somewhat from our inner core.... there's no time for distillation of what's happened."

I thought that pretty accurately stated my thoughts on common means of communication these days. I feel like problem is often not that I lack in the "quantity" of time, but rather the "quality." Ergo, while I will be increasing the "quantity" of my entries, I hope to also, and more so, increase the "quality"* of my documentation of my life**. But then again, I'm sleep deprived and maybe sick and so hosed that I am punting and writing this...so who knows what I have to say. I'm probably just babbling and not making any sense.

Update on this year: Broke up with Stephan. I'm fine, don't worry. Don't really want to go into that online. I have a greater sense of contentment and am able to handle the burden of MIT. That is to say, I freak out for 30 seconds and then can laugh it off, and carry on. I'm taking 6.01 (freaking LOVE that class even though I don't turn everything in and often am confused and lost, accomplishing ONE thing in that class is like "I CAN FLIP A TABLE" out of an awesome sensation of pride), Chinese 1 (first exam of the semester next Monday, joy. LOTS of work, but SUPER worth it), 2.001 (Kind of boring, but I can see myself being a lot happier in the upper level course II [Mechanical Engineering] classes), and 8.02 (sigh...physics. heh, not too bad, but still pretty lost. least favorite though not so bad.). Oh yeah, I'm switching majors to 2A with Robotics (am currently EECS), I think this will allow me to work with my hands more, but still use a lot of EE and CS. I'm a "sweetheart" for SigEp, a fraternity, and it's awesome. It's a great group of guys. I've quickly grown quite fond of them and they're like a great group of big brothers... teehee, I like feeling like a little princess. :-P

I'll try to elaborate on the subjects again, but I'll just keep things short as for now. Anyway, TONS of work to go. I'll chit chat with y'all later.

Thanks for reading and keep on rockin' being you. Peace and love to all!

-- Chacha

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Another year older...

Well, today is July 10th which means that 3 days ago I completed my 19th year of life. I wish I had some profound revelation, that'd be really epic, but alas, I'm just a wee bit older.

Mom left today, she was out here for about 3 weeks and it was really nice to have her. I guess it's just nice to have someone to come home to that will always be happy to see you. Hmm, I think I'll like being a parent and having a family one day. But for now, I'm just a college student. There are more difficulties with my dad. In fact, some papers were filed on my birthday (which he forgot about, again...) and in those papers, my name was misspelled. Yeah, I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm frustrated. And more than anything else I just want to be done with it. I don't want him to bother us anymore. It's just painful and annoying and no one wins. I'm not really going to discuss anymore as this is a public site that anyone has access to, but I guess one thing I've learned from this all is to choose wisely. When it comes time to marry, I'm worried I'll be all-to-aware of what could happen. But at the same time, I'm afraid I'll end up in a marriage which I was reared with as most familiar. I just see the importance of making sound, wise decisions with much thought and listening to the input of others who truly care about you. I suppose that really goes for much more than just marriage, actually.

On a happier note though, I had a really nice birthday. I wasn't sure how it was going to be, because many of my birthdays haven't felt just right if they weren't around family and friends back home, but this one was swell. Wednesday night I was spending time with Stephan and he  mentioned how hungry he was. We went to the kitchen and then he was like "oh, Yoonjeong wants me to come to her room, let's go!" I opened the door and happy birthday started playing and there was a bowl of green candy (my favorite flavor)  with a sign "chacha only" and beautifully drawn cake (since I don't like cake). and then stephan left and shortly later came in with brownies with "chacha" iced on it. i was thoroughly touched by how stephan coordinated it all (there is an elaborate story about him convincing me he was away for a business dinner, when in reality he was just grocery shopping for these things) and for my friends who came and the sweet presents I got and just the time spent together. And then on my actual birthday, mom and I had a nice coffee together (a great way to start the day) and then I went to work. In the afternoon, a little before my boss was supposed to leave, he called everyone into the conference room and randomly went off about accountability and had use count up the tick marks he was making until he reached 19 and then said "and what does that mean?? it's chacha's birthday!" and then a lovely cake came in with candles and it was very cute. I was extremely touched by how much my work made my birthday an event and happy! Then in the evening my brother and casey and marina (the gal staying with them from italy) came over and my friends from 5W and elsewhere came over and we all had tacos. It was a delicious dinner. Mom made a fantastic chocolate peanut butter pie that is TO DIE FOR and there was tons of ice cream! :D I loved it so much! Bro got me and him matching visors with "Thing 1" and "Thing 2" (which he bought in Florida, so that means he was thinking about me even back then in June!) . And he also made me a certificate good for setting up a website with him on his server! :D I'm so excited! I got to facetime with the Solimans back home, and got calls from Nancy and my grandparents and Adrian during the day, so that was super nice! And then on Friday Stephan took off the day from work and I did as well and he lead me on a this mystery day. It was a fantastic adventure! We went go-cart racing, then bowling, then to dinner with live music, and then we came back and watched some of a movie (i ended up falling asleep, all that outdoorsiness really whips the energy out of you!). Of course, all during the day it was an adventure since we relied on public transportation and were going a little away from Boston. It was SO much fun just to have the adventure with him. I was really touched by the time, money, and thought that went into the day. Just overall, I felt really loved. It was  a great birthday indeed.

Anyway, I'm hungry and have some other business to attend to. I think I'll go eat something. Take care!

Friday, April 1, 2011

Update! :)

Hey all!

So it seems I haven't posted in a VERY long time! So sorry! Here's a majorly abridged version of the past three months, as it is now Aprile 1st:

IAP:
I took an introduction to Python (computer programming language) and I finished up a math class and took Pistol for a PE class. It ended up being a more stressful IAP than I wanted and I felt sad about that at times. However, I got credit and did end up getting a B+ in my math class! :)

Spring:

I'm currently taking Differential Equations (18.03), Introduction to Programming (6.00), Harmony and Counterpoint I (21M.301), and Physics, Mechanics etc. (8.011).

As of right now I have a 91% in my physics class!!! Apparently the class average is a 73%. I can't believe it! I was doing so poorly last semester and this semester I feel like I'm still struggling, it's definitely not easy to me, but some how I manage to maintain a very good standing in this class! I didn't do well on today's quiz and I'm quite frustrated about that, but I can't go back in time and change things, so I need to just accept it and move on. Furthermore, I feel like I put in a lot of time and effort, so it's easier knowing that I did closer the very best I could do and got the grade I did, as opposed to doing so-so in effort.

My math class I got a 60 on my first exam and that was no fun. I was stressing out (and still stress out) about how I would be able to pick up my grade. Right before break I had the second exam in that class and managed to get an 89!! The class average was a 78! I'm definitely not out of the way of trouble (we still have another exam and a final worth 40% of our grade!) but that last test score definitely helped and gave me a boost that I need desperately. Also, my TA is really nice. I don't go to his recitations, but we email and he's a great source of encouragement. He even wants to teach me Tibetan! I learned a phrase yesterday that sounds like "Jia Shi Dei Lei" which is a way of departing or something.

My programming class is the one class I got a flag in this semester. I'm not sure how I'm doing since we've only had one "quiz"  (a quiz is the general computer science term for Exam, it's confusing because, for instance in my physics class, a "quiz" is something small where an "exam" is MUCH larger). I got a 48 on the first exam. I've been doing alright on the homework grades, but the thing is, the quizzes really make or break your grade. I really really REALLY wanted to do well in all my classes this semester. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it here at MIT. I thought, okay, ALL A's. But I don't think that's going to happen, so now I'm just shooting for no C's. I think I might be able to get an A in physics, but the rest are probably going to be B's (if I can work hard to get one in programming). The thing is, I got an email about a flag in this class luckily the TA that sent it is really awesome. Mitch, heh, he's an Army Reserve grad student here and he reminds me a lot of my dad-figure back home, Al. I said that I was really worried and didn't want to 'just barely get by' and yet I didn't know what to do. He responded with four bullet points, each one starting with "do not panic" progressively getting bolder and underlined. He said that he knows how hard I'm working and difficult it must be, and suggested a couple things I could do to get more familiar with code (i.e. Project Euler... I've actually completed a couple of them!). The next day I talked to my TA and the head TA of the class and the head TA was like "Chacha, I know you. Everyone in the staff knows you. We know you're working really hard and probably doing so more than most other students in the class. When it comes time to deciding grades, we'll remember that." She even followed up with a personal email thread that explained her own struggles and how she took time off from MIT and how even though she had a slew of bad grades, she's got plenty of job offers now. It's comforting to her someone else's story. Like, I know I've said this before, but often students here are like "Oh no, I feel so stressed. I'm not doing well. I'm going to fail" but then they score in the 80's. Heh. No. You don't know failing until you're flagged in three classes and beat up brutally by MIT's intensity. Feeling scared of school is not something I'm new to. It is something I want to change though. And slowly, I think I am. I think I am finally coming out of it. My self-confidence took a horrible beating last semester and I've been dealing with it this whole year, trying to get that back on track is no easy task.

And finally, I am taking a crazy, music theory class that is not an "easy humanities" class by any means. Yesterday we had an exam (that I don't think I did well on) and the professor was like "yeah, so you guys will have an hour and a half to take the test, but it should only take you about an hour." --No one left early-- Over all though, I'm doing about class average, maybe a little lower and in the professor says that class average is about a B or B+. I'd like to be able to get an A in that class, but, heh, sadly, after yesterday's exam I'm not too sure if that's still a possibility. I have a couple more assignments and then final project, and I think if I do well on those I should be pretty ok.

Overall, in life, I've been trying my best to focus on what's best for me. Trying to not compare myself to others is not a quick fix, but it's something that I really want to master so that I might be more pleased and content with myself and relationships with others. Particularly I find that when I get caught up in comparing myself to things that Stephan can do or other friends can do, I instantly get down into a bad mood. They have their strengths and talents, and I too have mine. Not exactly sure what's going to put my name in the history books, but I have faith that it's there. I hope that I can be the chipper, pleasant friend that I want to be, once again. I don't know why things happen or why this has become such a struggle but I just have to focus on strengthening my character and solidifying my knowledge of who I am as a person.

As for the summer, I think I'll be working back home and learning website development and stuff. There's a possibility that I might find a UROP and stay here for the summer since some friends are doing that and my brother will be here (not sure how much longer he'll be in the area). Back to the drawing board with that respect. Anyway, take care everyone! Love you all! :)