Saturday, November 6, 2010

"I can guarantee you, Chacha..."

So I've been thinking lately (uh-oh, Chacha's been thinking again...) and I've decided this: I have no idea why I worry so much. I do worry excessively, it's a fact, but I been questioning "why?"  I have hard time telling the difference between "worrying excessively" and "caring." Like, I want to care about my grades, and I want to be motivated to do well, but I don't want to excessively stress or worry about them. I mean, to quote Matt 6:25, why worry, it won't add a single moment to my life and in fact, it'll make life so much less enjoyable. That is not to say that I should live life recklessly, so as to not think about the possible side effects of my actions, but rather, live life in such a way that I cherish it's moments of beauty.

That said, I've been thinking more and more about majors and what I should choose. When I applied to MIT I thought I'd be a business major. Not that I anticipate enjoying "business" so much as I thought it'd be rewarding to be a financial advisor for companies and wealthy individuals looking to invest their money in various charities. I figured if I had a specific dream, for instance, mine is eliminating thirst in Africa, I could shape what work I did in the future to achieve that goal. I like working with money, and I've always been good about budgeting and planning things pertaining to finance ever since I was a little girl, so I figured finance was the way to go. Also, I plan to work for the FBI (or maybe NSA?) after graduation, and I know that business is a common major among the applicants to the FBI. But now, after being here at MIT more, it seems like 6-2, EECS, or computer science and electrical engineering, seems like a possible major. I like what the people do. I don't really know ANYTHING about computers and I feel like I'm eons behind everyone else who is course 6, but I guess that's why I'm at MIT, right? to learn?

I don't know, I guess I'm just a little scared that I don't have what it takes to do well in that major. I also want to study Chinese, Italian, Spanish(maybe), and Music. I find those subjects to be very interesting. But with the coursework of 6 and the fact that it'd be a steep learning curve for me, makes me think that I wouldn't be able to pursue the previously stated subjects to the extent I'd like. Also, in general, course 6 is MUCH harder than course 15 (business) and I'm quite scared of all the math and legitly hard labs and classes involved. Not that I want it easy at MIT, but my confidence is quite shaken at the moment. I anticipate being like "bring it on MIT!!!" at some point, simply because that's my nature in life, but as for right now, it's late, I'm tired (probably not the best combination for writing this entry), I'm just getting back on the saddle with school, and yeah, I'm just not a sure of anything.

I am feeling better about classes in general. Dropping my physics (though not finalized, doing that this week) was a HUGE relief for this semester, but it's planted a seed of doubt of whether or not I can make it in the future. I know I won't have the adjustment period and I know now to stay on top of things, but still, that voice is there. It's hard to silence it. My study groups and tutor for my math and chemistry classes are amazing. I find them to be VERY helpful and I"m really starting to learn and understand the material in 3.091 (my chemistry class)! My math is progressing along. I'm starting to get confused, so I need to nip that in the bud, NOW. But I'd say it's doing well.

Oh yeah, I met with a dean of Undergraduate Academics the other day, to discuss how I was doing and what to do about my classes/what I had done about the problem classes. She was very impressed that I came so prepared, what with my schedule, and list of the things I had done (contacted TAs, got a tutor, signed up for a study seminar group, etc.), she even offered me water and I had my own bottle and she was like "you even come prepared with your own water!" After talking with her for an hour and going over the process of how things work at MIT, the most assuring words she said were:

"I can guarantee you, Chacha, you will NOT be kicked out of MIT."

I was really worried about coming up on academic review and what the board would rule if I end up not doing well (though I don't anticipate that, just saying, worst possible scenario...) and it was really, REALLY nice to hear  DEAN say that what I'm doing shows that I want to be here badly enough. To top it off, she was so impressed with everything that I got a JOB OFFER. A job offer?!?! Yeah, I got asked to be an advisor next year. She said that the way I've handled the situation and the way I've managed to look at the bright side but take things seriously has formed me into a better/more experienced person. She said that the lesson I've learned (i.e. the importance of staying on top of things from the beginning, and taking the initiative when I find myself having a problem) is something that is extremely valuable. She also said that the kids who are "smarties" this semester that are using knowledge from high school, will be in my shoes next semester when suddenly they need to learn the lesson of 'how to study.' Not that I want them to experience the stress that I went/am going through, but it is a comfort to know that everyone does experience this and it's nice to hear it from a dean. So yeah, went in expecting to chat about my stressful/getting-back-on-top life, and I came out with a job offer. Who would have thunk?

Well, it's late. I'm off to bed. I hope you all are doing well.

Peace and love to all!