Saturday, October 2, 2010

To be.

So it's been wayyy too long since I made my last post, and I'm very sorry about that! I know that some of you have been faithful followers waiting for that last post and I have been anxious myself to get some of my experiences down on paper/the web/the crazy mess of tubes that I don't understand.

To start things off: I'm surviving, physically. Heh. That's about all I can claim at the moment, but hey, it's better than it could be. Mentally...that's a whole other story. I feel like everyday my mind is stretched beyond it's capabilities. My thoughts are not only challenged but, often a more difficult experience, forced to be formed. How many times did I encounter the very same phenomenon and never think about it? How many times do we go through our daily lives never really acknowledging the wonders that are around us? The simple, small, quiet things. Those are the things I have found I most enjoy. Recently, I found my favorite spot on campus. But first, let's back up.

4:03pm, Friday, Sept. 24

"Oh man...you guys ready for the quiz today?" 8.01 (my physics class) is, well, to be kind, not my best friend at the moment (nor is math, but we'll get to that in a minute, erm, a couple minutes). I went to that class knowing that I was going to fail the quiz and that was a HORRIBLE feeling. After struggling through the "table problems" (problems my physics group, Table 7, does as a whole) I knew that this quiz was not going to end well. But I had acknowledged it. After walking out of class at 5pm, I had a horrible feeling in my gut...I knew something had to change.

On my walk back to East Campus (I've been spending most of my time there, I'll explain why later) I just felt that I needed some time with God. I just...I ached for His silence. It was a slightly windy day and I was wearing a dress with leggings and a scarf (super comfortable). I had made this walk many times but this time I noticed there are three lovely, extra wide, "benches." But these benches are basically just giant slabs of pebbly concrete , probably 12x3 feet in dimensions. I decided to lay down on one and just watch the clouds float by in the sky. Oh yeah, that's my favorite thing to do, by the way. It's my most "luxurious" treat to myself. Simply spending time doing absolutely nothing but laying in the grass, or in this case, a super wonderful bench, and watch clouds move. I love to look for shapes and figures (every since I read Double Luck by Lu Chi Fa, I always look for dragons!). In any case, I was just laying here, watching the clouds and the leaves because its located right under a tree with legit leaves, the kind that fall off in fall (aka, non-Californian trees). It was super relaxing. I felt like I was indulging in something I didn't deserve! Hah. Needless to say, I just decided to simply "be" with God.I am so sick of asking Him for things, making promises and breaking them, chatting off His ear (mind you, I should be doing all of these things more, as in, I should have more of a continuous conversation with Him, but still...you get my point)...I just wanted to be silent. I just wanted...to be.

That's when I realized how much I was actually "craving" this silence. Who would have thunk? At MIT, the best college in the world (haha, bias you say? LIES!), surrounded by the best professors and students, and here I was, wanting silence. Then I got to thinking, but soon as I got thoughts in my mind I tried to scurry them away, so as to maintain the silence. Nevertheless, some thoughts stuck. I was thinking, what if I took the time everyday to realize how delicate life is? What if I realized that, like the tree whose leaves were falling in preparation for winter, my life too is changing, not necessarily for a seasonal reason, but in general. What if I realized this and seized the moment? Carpe Diem, right? I should clarify, I don't mean to live like there's no tomorrow. I don't think partying it up today in such a way that will damage tomorrow's opportunities is in any way a "good way" to live life. But if I lived with a purpose, how much more fruitful would my life be? If I lived, not by accident, not by habit, but on purpose, how much greater would my appreciation for every moment, every laugh, every cloud, be? Now the challenge is to find that purpose. I know God has a greater plan in mind for me, and I continually pray that one day it'll become more evident what His will for my life is, but in the meantime, I'll just try my best to live "on purpose."

That being said, my poor grade in phsyics, and then, this past Thursday I failed my math exam, are not accurate representations of my fullest potential. I don't expect %100 on my tests or in my classes.  I know I'm not some genius nor am I wanting to sacrifice other joys in life (like the play I'm part of , or the a cappella group, or the bible study or just the fun times of fooling around in China town!). I'm allowing myself to live more and be fine with just passing. But what I won't settle for, what I'm not okay with, is going into test without having learned and given it my all. My best is what should be put down on paper during a test, and more importantly, my best is what I expect of myself. I want to learn the material. Why else should I be here?

I won't lie, I'm totally intimidated. The kids here, they're crazy smart. For instance, my boyfriend, Stephan is SUPER brilliant! (I'll talk more about him in another blog, perhaps all by himself? haha, we'll see... oh yeah, he's one of the reasons I go to East Campus, a dorm, so much. I mean, I know a lot of people who live there, but I'm not going lie, he's the main reason.) He's a course 6, or computer science, major and he's ALWAYS thinking things up. That's what kids to do here! I swear! (Sometimes I don't know what I'm doing...) For instance, just a couple minutes ago, he interrupted my blogging to tell me his new idea: he wants to set up his fancy Canon EOS Rebel XXI camera to take a picture of things moving at high speeds, but he wants to set up a micro controller to function as a motion detector. And the kicker is, he's soldering right now at his desk creating it. He just rummaged through his drawer and found this chord that can plug into his camera, a little piece of magic, a motion detector, and his micro controller that will use the voltage from the motion detector to send a pulse to the chord/magic piece which will then tell the camera to take a picture. IT'S SOOOO COOL! I want to be like that, I want to be able to create random stuff. In any case, my tangent was to brag about Stephan, yes, but more importantly to give y'all a taste of what MIT students are like. Yup. I'm in over my head... Haha. How can I learn to be like them?! I want to be my own, and yet these kinds of things ARE FREAKIN AWESOME to me. I don't know who to ask to teach me such ways, as I feel everyone here who likes that kind of stuff is just naturally born with such talents of invention and soldering. Ah, who am I kidding? I'm sure I can win someone over with some batting of eyelashes or promises of brownies!

But don't get me wrong, there are many kids here that are in my shoes. Many people I've encountered feel overwhelmed with school as well. While I feel alone in the failing, I don't feel alone in the sensation of stress and constant work-to-be-done. So to solve this dilemma, I created a very detailed schedule of how I'm going to work, from here on out. Unfortunately, to that point, I have MUCH to reading/work to catch up on from the past three weeks. In any case, I know I can do it, I just have to be willing to put in the hours it will entail. I know it won't cure my feeling of being overwhelmed, but it will help enable me to do my best in what I want. I could go on, but...

So sorry, I'm seriously falling asleep. Got to go to bed! I'll write more about specifics of classes and life later! Love you all. Thanks for reading...