Friday, October 15, 2010

I didn't have time

Well, to make a quick post is to make a quick seven layered wedding cake....it just doesn't happen. But I'll try my best to get some things down on paper (?) and perhaps elaborate more later.

So I had my first meltdown last Sunday. It was pretty epic. I mean, and not. I don't know how to define 'epic'...in any case, I was feeling lonely and unaware of where to turn. I went to church because I just felt this craving to be in the silence of the chapel simply being with God. A little way through mass I started tearing up and did my best to hold it together to present the gifts and go to communion. Afterward, they just came. Tears are funny, the more you try to fight them, the more they are determined to come. I sat there in the fourth row of chairs and within like 7 minutes the chapel went silent. Head bowed, my nose ridiculously runny, I had no choice but to surrender myself to the silence, the presence of God. I felt lonely. I felt angry. I felt unloved. I felt overwhelmed. But I felt. So long I had gone through life trying not to feel. I had learned to live a numb life, I mean, it's safe right? You can't feel love, but at least you can't feel pain....you can't feel abandoned.

Well, over the course of the past two or so years I've learned to feel and embrace such emotions. Only now, I fear I feel to much! Heh. Nevertheless, I was sitting there and not sure what to do. I wanted to but held. I knew God was there, but to honest, I couldn't feel Him. In the past I've been able to imagine Him holding me, but that day I felt so lonely, so gut, all-consuming lonely, that no imagination could help me. However, there was a different sensation I felt that day. It was weird, like, in the center of me, the innermost being, could sense being with God. It wasn't anything overwhelming or awe-some. It was quiet and steady. I, I don't know how to phrase it, but He was there.

I did need that touch though, and so, I texted my friend Nell to respond to something she had asked me. I asked her to keep me in her prayers and told her I wasn't doing too well and was sitting in the chapel. She responded with "Aw honey, i'll be right there." She and I met over facebook about three months back and we both live at McCormick. She also is Catholic and has been a great source of wisdom and support, and especially after last Sunday, I am eternally grateful for her presence in my life. She came over with a huge stack of tissues and Reese's Puffs (our favorite cereal) and just held me. She said some words that I'm still mulling over. One thing that comes to mind is something she said to me when I was saying that I just felt so much and didn't know how I was supposed to go do my homework, she responded with "you take the time to feel it all, let it out, and then acknowledge that there is work to be done and get to it!"

The trick is to take the time. That was the biggest gift I had to give to God. I was overwhelmed with all I had to do and I didn't even think I had the time to go to mass. I knew then that I really needed to go to mass, words from Mom quoting a poem ran through my head:

I Didn't Have Time

"I got up early one morning

And rushed right into the day!

I had so much to accomplish

That I didn't have time to pray.

Problems just tumbled about me,

And heavier came each task.

"Why doesn't God help me?" I wondered.

He answered, "You didn't ask!"

I tried to come into God's presence;

I used all my keys at the lock.

God gently and lovingly chided,

"Why, child, you didn't knock!"

I wanted to see joy and beauty,

But the day toiled on, gray and bleak.

I wondered why God didn't show me.

He said, "But you didn't seek."

I woke up early this morning,

And paused before entering the day.

I had so much to accomplish

That I had to take time to pray!"

I felt so relieved just giving that time to Him though, not allowing myself to think of anything else. I thought I'd be more overwhelmed, but I really made an effort to focus only on Him and it turned out to be exactly what I needed.

Afterward, she made me eat some cereal, and said "if I don't hear from you within the next three days, i'm coming over!" We parted and I felt still stressed about school, but I no longer felt that frightening sense of loneliness.

It's quite humbling to let someone see me in such a state and more so to know that they just want to love and help me. If nothing else, I think that's one of the greatest lessons I've learned from that--to open up to someone is to fully trust them. Trusting someone is no easy task. It's dangerous. It's uncertain. But it's so worth it.

On a happier note, MIKE MIKE MIKE MIKE MIKE MIKE MIKE MIKEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

:D IT'S MIT FAMILY WEEKEND!!!!

I'm so SUPER DEE DUPER blessed to have Mike out here. I never thought that any of the Solimans would be able to make it out here, but about four weeks back in a video chat they popped the news! I was to have a Mike Soliman come see me!!! So yeah, I'm about to leave and go to a movie with bro and Mike. They're already fooling around in Boston Common.

I didn't realize how much I missed seeing my family until I saw Mike. It still hasn't struck me that he is visiting me at my home. I still feel a little bit like this is a temporary thing, like, wow, MIT?! But it's slowly sinking in and his visit is helping with that. (I can't wait to see you, Myla, and the kids! Oooo, I want a Gaby kiss and an Isa drool-kiss so badly!!) It's super funny/fun to introduce Mike as my brother, which I've been doing. People look at us (Mike's Filipino) and are like "um...sooo.....how are you guys related??" I respond with "brothers from another mother..." hahaha.... I met up with Mike for lunch today and yesterday he went with me to 18.02 (math) and we're going to party it up this weekend! Haha, and by "party it up" I mean, we're going to fool around and be the dorks that we are. Man, I miss that SO much. I forgot how much fun Mike and I have together, it's not "like", it IS having another brother around. And in case you don't know, I have the best brother, Gabe, as a brother already, so it's AWESOME to have another one. :) :D Yeah, Mike is just the high I need. He knows that I have a math exam next thursday and a physics pset I have to get done, so we won't be spending every moment together but when we do spend time together it's EPIC. :)

I love how I can have a witty conversation with Mike and then the next moment have a nice heart to heart with him about that which weighs on my heart. Man, I am truly blessed to have you all in my life...I really am. <3

Well, Stephan is getting ready and then we're off to meet up with Mike and bro! Oh boy! Time for Stephan to meet "the Mike." To be honest, Mike will be way less worse than Myla, oh dear...I'm actually kind of nervous about that! Haha, Myla is one tough cookie, profoundly loyal and dear to my heart. (btw, thank you thank you thank you! for the earrings, the card, and the BACKPACK ((I got a sweet Mario Kart, preschool sized backpack...it's FREAKIN EPIC))!! they're AMAZING!) Haha, just wait till he has to meet Nancy, Keith, Cristina and the Blancos, Sophia or Al....basically everyone!

My love to all! I hope this finds you in good health and much love!