Sunday, June 4, 2017
And before you roll your eyes, I'm not doing this out of a feminist movement or anything. I just am tired of the fact that Pinterest literally has ZERO ideas for "how to propose to him"... Ain't nobody got time for that antiquated, jedi-mind trick shit.... (side note: everyone should watch this and the movie it's from He's Just Not That Into You... I think senior year of college I watched it like a dozen times... and then tried a dating app for like a year and then gave up on dating after too many ghosting, immature assholes, I assumed waiting until later 20s would be sufficient time for them to mature, then not long after that met the man this post is about-- funny how that works)
I think to understand why I want to propose, I should first explain what the act of proposing means to me and why it is significant. More so, what is NOT important is:
1) the amount of balloons/flowers/people/stuff/chaos involved nor
2) the size of the "rock".
In fact, I have specifically stated that I will say no when he asks if:
1) the diamond IS real (I have nothing against those who want a real diamond, but personally I do not. I would rather spend that money on a honeymoon and home improvement projects-- bring on the remodeling! Furthermore, the artificially inflated prices of the diamond industry, though I support a free market to some extent, pains me to think about not to mention the blood that inevitably resulted in that rock being pulled from the Earth. Call me a nerd, call me an environmentalist or a humanitarian, but these things weigh on my mind far more than any "sparkle" could distract...) and
2) I can predict he is about to propose before he actually does. (Like, greater than 2minutes before he gets down on one knee of course. I understand there is some reason here that I also can't constantly be guessing "you're about to propose! you're about to propose!" every time we go out somewhere or he makes me dinner etc. Fun fact, to help deter this possibility he has threatened to setup several flash mobs randomly so I'll never know when it's coming nor what to expect.)
Which leads me to explain what a proposal should be, in my opinion: a joyfully planned (not spur of the moment) event that shows significant attention to detail, consideration, care, and genuine selfless devotion to the other's desires. You are proposing to someone, so it should be as they would like, not what you want.
My mother always says that this is the story that kids and grandkids will ask about so you want to make sure it's memorable. I think there's a lot of truth in that statement. I've certainly asked a lot of happily married couples how they proposed and while their answers have all varied in elaborateness, the smile on their faces and reminiscent look in their eyes is uniform. They adored each other then, as they adore each other now.
For instance, he knows I want a lot a effort made in a way that will likely not include just the two of us. (Big caveat there: since the time we've started dating to now, what I've wanted in this moment has dramatically become a lot more intimate than what I've described in the past, so... all I gotta say is I'm glad I'm not him and he's the one having to figure out what I want since Lord knows I don't even know anymore! And don't even get me started on how impressed I am that he's designing a ring for me when I don't even know anymore what I want there... good thing there's always anniversaries! Ha!) However, for him, he wants it just the two of us. Quiet and calm with no crowds and noise. So as such, I've planned something that if he were to do it for me, I think I would be a little disappointed, but I know it is PERFECT for him.
Some say that proposal should be left to the guy as he's less likely to be ready to commit before the woman-- that was the narrative I grew up with and that is the narrative I've had battling my more true-to-self voice inside my head saying "but wait! I want to show him this level of love! so... why can't I?" If it were the case that my expression of love could do anything but good to our relationship, as may be true with other males, I would not be dating him. (I don't discredit the sentiment in its entirety, just as I don't think it applies to all, I also don't think it doesn't apply to anyone-- it's obviously a case by case situation.) Counter to what many shows and movies display, proposal isn't something out of the blue for us. It's something we've talked about, fought about, prayed about (so many freaking rosaries), read about, and talked some more. It's something we both take extremely seriously (marriage that is, proposal is a step in that process of course) and it's not something that has room, in this day and age, for those shitty ass mind games. A mature relationship doesn't require guessing if someone is ready or not. Instead of wondering, ask! But alas, I diverge...
So on to my final/original point-- why I want to propose. I know this is a lot to display in only one day, and will instead take a lifetime of daily commitment to the qualities below, but I figured it's worth starting off our marriage with my best foot forward...
I want to propose because gender has nothing to do with the level of commitment shown in the acting of proposing.
I want to propose because I want to display as publicly or privately as he wants how crazy about him I am and how excited, and scared shitless, I am to devote my life to him.
I want to propose because he deserves, just like I do, to be treated tenderly and to be in the position of "power" over my vulnerability in asking him to pledge his life to me. (he could always say no!)
I want to propose so that I can display the humility that will be required of me as not only a wife, but most importantly as a partner in life... to know when I am right and when I am not and to be humble enough to admit my wrongdoings.
I want to propose because I know that in doing so, I am opening myself up to the very same potential pain and soul-crushing "no" that he will be doing in asking me (we both acknowledge that at any point either of us could change our mind up to the wedding day).
I want to propose because so far he has been dealt a pretty shitty hand in life and he deserves to be doted on for once.
I want to propose because he is precious and a thing to be cherished and savored --just as I am -- and I want to show him that he is as such every chance I get -- just like he already expresses to me.
I want to propose to him because I try to live by the mantra "do to others whatever you would have them do to you"-- some wise words by a pretty neat guy many years ago.
Simply put: I want to propose because I love him.
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
As a born-and-raised Californian, yesterday was an important day in my history book. It was the day ~4.9 million people filled a little box in hopes of making a big difference-- and a big difference they did make. Setting record highs, the citizens of California spoke up. And while it is still too soon to know who will be our next president, and Lord knows I am frightened about the possibility of such a bigoted, misogynistic, racist fool wining the election, I am oddly at ease with the simple fact that so many showed up to vote.
But it can't stop there. We aren't done, yet.
My high school World History teacher used to HOUND us about going out to vote as soon as we could and I used to kind of write him off. I knew the jokers sitting to my left and right and I knew I didn't want them dictating the rules of the society that I live in. If they didn't want to vote, I didn't care. Why should I encourage someone to go blindly check boxes and potential elect someone awful? I thought it better to leave them be and have only the educated vote. I still kind of stand by that.
Now before you go calling me a bigot, misogynistic, fool myself-- hear me out. My perspective of what "educated" means has changed drastically. I don't know that I can say I learned $250K worth of knowledge at MIT that I couldn't have learned staying at home, reading Wikipedia, and taking some local community college classes. But being in the environment that I was for four years, taught more far more than any textbook or article ever could. Or the summer I spent working as a sous-chef at an Italian restaurant and building houses for Habitat for Humanity... I found myself getting educated in ways I never knew I needed to be educated. For this reason, I think my definition of "education" is much more fluid.
But back to my main point: If someone could manage to go through this life living in a vacuum, I would say "yes, better that they stay at home and not vote, should they desire to not vote." Worse yet, if you are a subordinate spouse/mindless idiot/or someone so unhealthily fixated on the thoughts of someone else that you would cast your vote simply because they said to, best you too not vote if you do not want to. But to everyone else, get the fuck out there and quit your complaining. You are a living member of society, you experience pain points and joys just as the rest of us do, and you have something to add at the polling station. Do a quick glance of who's running and the platforms they stand for. Recall the conversations you remember hearing at the grocery store/on the subway/at that party last night...
America sucks because of kids like me who thought laziness wasn't a big problem and didn't take it upon themselves to show why everyone has something to offer. America sucks because of stoners like my former classmates who think they don't have something to bring to the table because they didn't care and didn't watch CSPAN. America sucks because of a growing number of lethargic and jaded citizens who gave into the notion that because they don't want to vote, they somehow are excused from voting. Wake the hell up, friends. Things won't change unless we make them so.
So to all you "jokers" I went to high school with, sorry for thinking that my very rigid definition of education some how elevated the value of my vote. But also, get over yourselves and go vote. Change the game.
Friday, July 3, 2015
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Sunday, June 14, 2015
Saturday, June 6, 2015
Background: her mom found an amazing card with a picture of a steak and the phrase "well done" under it, and since I'm like the only person in the world who says "steak" in place of "well done" well obviously she had to get it. This is what I asked her to put inside...
Dear beautiful cousin of mine,
On this momentous end to one chapter and the beginning of another in your life I'd like to take a moment to pass along a few thoughts I wish I could tell myself nearly 5 years ago as I graduated high school.
1) no one knows shit. It's true. We go through college, life, work pretending to know what we're doing but really, if you took the moment to ask the CEO of Facebook or hell even Obama if they knew what they wanted to do for the rest of their lives at 18, 22 when graduating college, or even 30 and later, I would bet the farm that none of them expected to end up where they are today (not to say that they didn't work towards a goal, see my fourth point below) and certainly didn't know what the next chapter in life held. So with this in mind, I went through my senior year of college realizing that while as a freshman I had always thought seniors knew it all-- they actually didn't. And the beautiful thing is, that is perfectly OK. In fact, I highly encourage you to change your mind at least twice before deciding what you want to do after college (note: didn't say what you want to do for the rest of your life, as that is best left as a variable constantly shifting, just think immediately after college). Change is good, and you're about to get a whoooooollleeee lot it. Embrace it. The unknown is a beautiful experience and had I learned to trust that it all works in the end, I would have had a lot more fun and less stress the past 5 years.
2) in regards to boys, please have a "tell-all" buddy. Be wise in choosing this person. Pick someone who won't judge you too much that you won't feel comfortable telling them *everything* (and I mean everything) but be sure to pick someone who will tell you when you messed up and set you straight. I'm always happy to be this person, but be sure to pick someone. I didn't, and wasted a bunch of heartache for two years because I over thought things in my head. Once I found my buddy, I have since been able to be more present in relationships knowing that I had this (fairly) objective third party to let me know when I've gone off the deep end/over looked something/made bigger an issue that maybe didn't need to be.
3) read the Marianne Williamson quote "our deepest fear" and internalize it. Starting my freshman year of college I titled my morning alarm as "it is your light..." So that is the first thing I am reminded of each morning. At various points in my life various lines have stood out to me. At first it was the first line, as MIT was very very hard for me and I CONSTANTLY struggled with feelings of inadequacy. Most recently though, the line " your playing small does not serve the world" has been on my mind and sometimes when I start doubting who I am to think I can achieve my dreams, I remind myself of that line. You are meant to be the best you can, it's up to you to decide how far you will go. Which leads me to my next and final point...
4) set goals, create a written (not mental) bucket list, and dream as if everyone aspired to be president or an astronaut. At some point, and I'm not sure when, it became uncool to talk about your dreams. It became childish to dream of something big, like kids do of being president one day or flying into space. I am gravely saddened by this and hope to break this standard. Every time someone asks me what I want to do, I tell them the truth, I don't know what nor why, but I feel called to greatness (for the past few years I've been thinking of getting into politics eventually, even though I hate politicians and politics, it's more of a calling at this point... Again, I don't know and I'm not too concerned at this point). Set both short and long term goals and know they will change and that is BEAUTIFUL. I wrote in my bucket list that I wanted to get into MIT for grad school (both masters and PhD) so when I got rejected my senior year I was really crushed. I was like, wait but I wrote this down, I thought there was some magic in this and everything I would write would come true....ha! Alas that is not the case. Sometimes minor changes happen (got into a WAY better masters program at MIT but only after getting rejected) sometimes really shitty changes happen (my grandpa died and my world shook, he was supposed to officiate my wedding, see me graduate from grad school as the first grandkid to do so, etc...I still tear up as I write this about him, but he has taught me a great many lessons this past ~9.5 months without him and lessons I wouldn't have been able to learn without his passing). So if there's one thing I firmly believe in above anything else in this world, it's that everything will work for a greater good and it's okay to give into the hope you feel about your future (Jer. 29:11was my school email for that reason). A friend's mom used to say, everything will be ok in the end and if it's not ok, it's not the end yet. Don't let the fear of not achieving your goals/dreams prevent you from setting them. Change is relative, so set a starting point and be open to what comes.
Now go, live life out loud and continue to make us proud. Steak, girl. ;) In case you don't know the quote I'm talking about, I've posted it below:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Overly sentimental and your pseudo cousin whether you like it or not!!,